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Leaving The Past Behind

Hey there, I'm Pamela. I'm 20, born and raised in New York. I've been diagnosed with Clinical Depression, also known as Major Depression. I suffer from my cutting addiction and trying to recover. My ask box is always open, I'm here for everyone.

I can’t stand the way people treat each other in my house. They always yell at each other and blame each other. 

I don’t know how my family even gets through daily life with each other. We’re so dysfunctional, it’s unbelievable. 

Sometimes I wish I could just sink down to the bottom of the sea, just looking up as I see the sun shine down through the water, and onto me. I see the light getting smaller and smaller as I sink down into darkness. I hope I’ll die from lack of oxygen.. That seems like a peaceful way to die, don’t you think? 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I guess I’m just getting more depressed lately and I don’t know what to do anymore. I guess I just want to die or just get so high that I can’t remember what happened that day. 

I guess what I mean is that I want to cause self destruction. That maybe I’ll just implode or something or just disappear. 

Life sucks. The constant feeling of depression looming over me. It truly sucks. 

Maybe one day I’ll take a bunch of pills and just hope that I’ll pass on…

The only person who could ever know what’s going to happen is my boyfriend. The only person I truly do not want to hurt. I can’t imagine him picking up the phone, finding out that I just committed suicide, and the doctors did everything they could to bring me back, but nothing. I can’t imagine him sitting there, with the phone on his ear, just blank. I can’t imagine tears running down his face. I can’t imagine how lonely I would make him. I can’t imagine myself hurting him so… 

Thinking about it makes me want to cry. I can’t imagine my mother finding me and just trying to wake me up, but only finds out that I can’t. That there’s a puddle of blood on my bed and on the floor. I’m so drugged up that I can’t feel anything..

I can’t imagine my friends (Colin, Tim, Naeem, Meiyuet, Jenny) just finding that I just committed suicide and they have an invitation to my funeral..

I can’t imagine hurting anyone, especially my boyfriend…but for some reason…

I feel like no one will care if I passed away. What would happen if just committed suicide? Would anyone miss me or even notice that I’m gone? Would the kids in class realize that I’m gone or even miss me. Or even shed a single tear? I can’t imagine anyone actually doing that. No, I can’t. It’s impossible. I’m sure no one will miss me if i’m gone. At least, no one at school or even in club. 

No, I’m just a nobody to them. Just a waste of space. Just another weird girl that just sits quietly in the back of the room. So what if she’s gone? Not like I knew her anyway right?

I know my funeral would be small. I’m sure my family in Colombia or Panama wouldn’t even care. They probably won’t even come or ever see my grave. I hope Brian will be there, along with his family, my own family, I don’t know if Naeem would even come. Would even Meiyuet? I would hope Tim, Colin, and Jenny would come…

Would my sister, the one that I don’t talk to at this point of time, would even come? I bet she’ll laugh and not even shed a tear. So what?

Am I worthless? I don’t know. I just feel like everything needs to end. I feel like my life isn’t going anywhere fast. I feel so worthless.

It’s only a matter of time. 

2 years ago
  1. imperfectdoors posted this